Rihanna Is the Only Billionaire I Support

Look, I think it’s right or in any way morally defensible that the top 0.01% of the richest individuals hold 11% of the world’s total wealth? No. Do I think we would all be better off if we prioritized funding for schools and libraries and made sure that everyone could get life-saving health care without going bankrupt, instead of letting Jeff Bezos roaming in space? Right. These things are very important to me, however, when I heard that Rihanna was getting ready to become the youngest self-made female billionaire in the world, I was instantly pumped. What is wrong with me?

Of course, there are a number of factors that differentiate Rihanna from Mr. Average Burns, your top run. She is a black Caribbean woman who has overcome an early life characterized by poverty and abuse to become, among other things, a nine-time Grammy Award winner; the first black woman to head a luxury brand for LVMH; and the second best-selling musical female artist of all time. However, I was a bit disappointed to find myself getting too excited about her luxurious wealth. What happened to my socialist certificate?

Actually, you know what? Screw my socialist credentials. If there is anything I believe to be true in this world, it is this. One, fancy mustard never tastes as good as regular yellow mustard; two, abortion is a fundamental human right; and third, Rihanna should be allowed to literally do whatever she wants. After all, this is the woman who gave us Anti, an album I spent a lot of time listening to without you and broke down in L.A. at the age of twenty that I still can’t put on “James” Joint” without Pavlovian’s response. made me cry. Who am I to try dimming her lights?

I’ve always been a bit confused about Rihanna’s predecessor on the billionaire front – women, Kylie Jenner, have been described as “self-made”; not because she doesn’t work hard (I watch The Kardashians! I know a family empire like that doesn’t just happen!) but because being from an internationally famous family seems to get you on your way up. Rihanna, on the other hand, has been rushing to develop her music career since she was discovered in her hometown of Barbados at the age of 16, and honestly, all I want from her is comfort (along with an unlimited account at Baby Dior). )

Ultimately, I want to see the downfall of the capitalist state that controls us all, and I still think a better world is possible if we work for it. (This is the single-payer healthcare system of our lifetime, honey!) That said, if the Elon Muslims of the world were to spend their time and seemingly unlimited amount of money. to buy up Twitter and sabotage the union and generally be as bad as possible , I want Rihanna in the billionaire boys club that I assume will meet once a year on a private ski slope in Gstaad to discuss our fate as lowly people. I know she’ll fight for us — or at least, I know she’ll spend billions on delicious fruit and important outfits — and that’s good enough for me.